Why Starbucks is a Necessity

When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar... and the coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and
had some items in front of him. When the class
began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They
agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar
lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students
again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The
professor next picked up a box of sand and
poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar
was full. The students responded with a
unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee
from under the table and poured the entire
contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter
subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar
represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things, your God, family, your children,
your health, your friends and your favorite
passions, things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like
your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he
continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
never have room for the things that are important to
you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical
checkups.Take your partner out to dinner. Play
another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and
fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that
really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired
what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
goes to show you that no matter how full your life
may seem, there's always room for a couple
of cups of coffee with a friend."

Attack of the Killer Cheeseburger

This is an actual recorded 911 call:
I want my cheeseburger.

Are you calling whales fat?

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure then explain whales to me.

Right Under Your Nose

Doesn't it frustrate you when you know you have something, know you saw it, but at that one particular moment you desperately need it, just can't seem to find it?

Well, here's some useful advice for the near-sighted: look where you least expect it to be. Trust me, it's there.

Twice this week I've turned my room upside down. Just today, in my search for a tiny insignificant little piece of paper, I ransacked my room and searched everywhere above, below, and around my desk. It can't possibly be there, I think to myself, as I make blatant, intentional strides around my desk to avoid it.

Finally, I give in. What the hell, I've looked everywhere. It can't hurt to go through my desk -- I've already invested 20 minutes of my time to this crazy search anyway.

Ten seconds later.. I find it.

Did I hit myself on the head? You bet I did.

Mrs. Sippi

Some kid in a commercial was trying to spell the word "Mississippi".

After finally getting it right in the end, she goes, "Mississippi. There should be a Mr. Sippi!"

Too much time

Someone had too much time on their hands. I'd post pictures, but I'm too lazy to go through all of that right now.

Here's a link instead:
Lego Church

Get on with it.

People who call to sell a product or service are the worst. They generally start off with a "How's your day?" or "How's it going?" -- like they're actually interested in your life (when they absolutely have no clue who you are).

And then they go on to talk about what they have to offer and try to get you to schedule a date/time when they can meet with you. So you sit there and listen to their spiel for, say, about 10 minutes (if you're really nice), when from the first moment you picked up the phone and heard their voice, you knew you weren't the least bit interested in what they had to say.

Well, there's this guy who's called about 5 times now trying to get me to sign up for something. Every time he calls, I have a new excuse. Not right now. This week is really busy for me. I'll call you back. I've tried them all, and he still doesn't get the hint.

Why I can't just hang up on the guy, I don't know; it seems a little rude to me. But I think I feel sorry for the guy. Maybe one of these days, I'm just going to interrupt him mid-spiel and go, "Do you like your job? Do you enjoy calling and talking to people who are not interested in anything you have to say? Do you enjoy people hanging up on you?".

In any case, you really can't hate people like that. I mean, it is their job after all. It's not like they enjoy doing what they do. They do it because they have to.

So instead of getting mad next time, I think I'll use sarcasm instead. Maybe I'll tell him I just found out I have cancer, and I don't have any extra money right now on account of, you know, all the trips I've had to make to the hospital and all. But do try calling me back next month. I should be done with my chemotheraphy, and maybe by then, I would have saved up some extra cash. You have a good day now.

Behind the Fantasy

Perhaps the most clever phrases I've seen on a shot glass yet:


Prince Charming is a jerk.
What if your soulmate is ugly?


First one, not so much (Prince Charming = guy = jerk.. what's new? Guys and jerks are a dime a dozen). But the second one? TOO funny.

Bet you never thought about that one before, did you?

Freudian slip?

me (4:21:07 PM): he wanted camille
me (4:21:10 PM): oops
me (4:21:11 PM): LOL
me (4:21:15 PM): camille's number

Dr. Feelgood

Two girls run into each other at a store. The first girl, who immediately spots her friend, walks over a few steps to say, with her eyes beaming, "Hey! Nice skirt!"

The other girl, after reciprocating the greeting with another "hey!", goes on to say, "Nice..", as she affectionately rubs the other girl's upper arm, quickly realizing that her friend is wearing a rather plain-looking shirt. Catching herself from her imminent social faux pas, she stops short and quickly gives her friend a 2-second onceover, struggling to find a piece of clothing to focus on that looks distinctive enough to merit a not-so-obviously fake compliment.

"...pants," she finally stammers.

"Oh, thanks," her friend says with a smile.

It's amazing to see how much we humans (or should I say - and correct me if I'm wrong - women?) value the need to make other people feel good, regardless of whether we really mean it or not.

So you don't like her shirt. Or her pants, or her shoes, or - God forbid - her hair. Don't stall like a deer caught in headlights searching for something to compliment her on that she couldn't possibly interpret as being downright fake, just move on and talk about the weather.

That's what I do.

Amziang!

One of the more interesting forwards I got in my e-mail:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aucalclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae The rset can be a taotl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Who's the Idiot?

I was typing the word "idiots" when I accidentally misspelled it and typed "iditos" instead.

Backspace backspace backspace.

I go back to correct my mistake and re-type the last few letters. Iditoos. No. Idioost. NO. Idiotst. What's wrong with me? Idiots. Finally!

It took me 4 tries to get it right (although I must shamefully admit that I did type "iditos" again on that last one).

Oh, Adam.

This just goes to show that being lame is not always a bad thing. I mean, who would've thought Adam Sandler - the ultimate cornball dork - could make the hearts of girls all around the world melt with his cheesy lyrics and less than manly voice? Definitely not me.

Grow Old With You
from The Wedding Singer

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you


I guess I was wrong.

When an 's' just isn't enough

Hotel manager: Were you looking at her eyes or her breastesses?

Whoever can keep a straight face after hearing that deserves an Oscar.



I wonder what word in the English dictionary has the most number of s's in it.

Dance like no one's watching.

For the times you think no one saw.
For the times you think no one heard.
For the times you wish no one noticed.

Think again and wish harder.

Welcome to my blog. The one stop (no holds barred) shop for anything embarrassing, funny, stupid or just plain random.

Because life is crazy. Life is funny. And because life is random.



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